Are you a scummy internet scam designed to steal my money?

Posted by richard

We get this a lot.  No, we are not a scummy internet scam.  No, we aren’t planning to steal your credit card info and run you out of house and home.  No, we don’t intend to keep records of our purchasers and use them later to blackmail anyone who happens to buy our product and then become the governor of New York.

Instead, what we are is a small, family based business selling placebos which may or may not reduce the size of the male member, delivered to you in well-sized boxes with our logo printed on all six sides.  Since we use PayPal for all our payment processing, we don’t even get your credit card number.

So, you can order from us with confidence, secure in the knowledge that your information is secure.  And, if you’re still worried, talk one of your friends into ordering them for you.

Can I order for someone else?

Posted by richard

Yes, of course.  This being America, or maybe Canada, since we only ship to those places, you’re free to spend your money any way you want, and if you want to spend it on penis reducing pills for someone else, well, we’re all for it.

That said, we’re going to include all of the information we have about who ordered it in the box, since we want the recipient to know who to thank.  Don’t try to order these as a gag; the person who eventually gets it is just going to come kick your ass if they’re not as appreciative as you hope.

What are your weasel words so you can sell these things?

Posted by richard

• This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.
• They’re placebos.  A placebo is a substance which has no pharmacological effect but which the patient believes is a medicine.
• In this case in particular, they’re mini sweet candies.
• So, long story short: You’re paying for candy, in a well-labeled bottle, shipped to you in a box with “Penis Reduction Pills” printed in large letters on all six sides.
• None of these claims have been investigated by the Food and Drug Administration.  I hope they never are; I bet an investigation by the FDA would be really expensive.
• Our penis reduction placebos contain inert chemicals, mixed in specific quantities and under secret conditions so that they combine to yield the finest penis reduction placebos available on the market today.
• One pill a day ( or four, or twelve, or even zero ) are equally effective in reducing the size of the male member.
• Even though you’ve paid for them, we do not recommend you eat the placebos.  They were quite expensive; better to just go buy some jelly beans and eat one of them every morning, so that the pill bottle remains pristine and continues to impress whomever sees it.
• We especially do not recommend you eat them if you have any medical condition which would restrict your consumption of sugar, such as diabetes or an extreme sweet tooth.
• Results may vary.  But, if they do, it’s your own fault, since it means your brain refused to do whatever magic causes the placebo effect to work.  It always worked for us when we believed it would work.

Please describe the boxes you use to send the pills in

Posted by richard

We use only the finest corrugated two-ply cardboard boxes, manufactured here in America.  Economies of scale don’t allow us to do our own research into appropriate cardboard box design and construction, but our staff and quality control auditors do inspect every shipment which comes in to insure that you receive the highest quality cardboard box available on the market today.

The boxes are printed with our logo, “Penis Reduction Pills.com”, on all six sides in at least 36pt lettering, and larger sizes on the larger boxes.  The ink used is lead and VOC free, yet has among the most durable and resilient blacks on the market today.  If you order one of our boxes, and your neighbors or roommates can’t read what it says even after it’s sat on a rainy porch for a week, we’ll gladly refund none of your money.

The boxes also contain a label with your address, and ours, because when we tried sending boxes without addresses it didn’t work out so well.  There’s also this cool USPS “bar code” which kind of looks like a tv turned to a channel which is just static.

Are you the premiere male enhancement product on the market today?

Posted by richard

In short, no.  But, we are the premiere male ego enhancement product on the market today which costs under $10.  There are many male ego enhancement products on the market today.  For example, the Porsche 996 Carrera Cabriolet, or pretty much any really fast car that costs a metric butt-load of money.  Sure, some may frown on the Porsche, saying that the Ferrari or some other really fast, really expensive car is the ticket, but that really just proves the point, namely that a really fast, really expensive car is prima-facia a male ego enhancer. Think of every guy you know who has such a car, and then think of his ego — it’s always a big ego.  But, since these cars run well above $95,000 original MSRP, they are well into the “unaffordable” territory for the average person looking for a gift for their husband or boyfriend, and even most dudes won’t drop that much on a car unless they’re really insecure ( by which everyone knows you mean “tiny” ) and thus not a target for our product.  Thus, at $9.95, we’re much cheaper and almost equally as good as a really expensive car.  That’s what we call in latin a “que et demonstratum”, or something like that.

Trophy wife or hot young hanger-on. Some young, hot thing hanging on the arm of an older, significantly less hot dude.  Think Anna Nicole Smith and J. Howard Marshall before he died.  Think Elliot Spitzer and Ashley Alexandra Dupre.  Both were tremendously expensive — Marshall paid Smith thousands of dollars a week and gave her expensive gifts, and Spitzer paid $5k a pop to, um, interact with Ashley for two hours.  Sure, this may have led to some male ego enhancement for them, and in general a trophy wife does cause male ego enhancement, but it is frequently quite expensive.